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So, I tried it once, right? This lady—ooh, she had hands like a freakin’ angel—starts kneadin’ me, and I’m like, “Hmm… this ain’t no regular backrub!” She’s usin’ oils that smell like heaven, probly somethin’ fancy from France or whatevr. Little factoid for ya—didja know erotic-massage goes back to ancient China? Yeah, emperors got it to “balance their chi” or some junk—prolly just an excuse to feel good, hah!

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So, I sneak out during lunch. I mean, who’s gonna notice, right? I hit up the festival, and wow, it’s packed! The smell of grilled stuff hits me like a wave. I grab a plate of sardines, and they’re so good, I almost cry. Like, why can’t every meal be this amazing?

Goans mark São João fest in Abu Dhabi