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Oh, and the quirks—some escorts carry two phones: one for “hi, mom,” one for “hey, daddy.” Hilarious split life! I’d suck at it—too clumsy, I’d trip in heels, spill wine, “Oops, there goes your $500 date!” *Grand Budapest* energy, tho—elegance masking total mayhem. “Keep your hands off my lobby boy!”—imagine an escort yelling that at a grabby jerk. Gold.

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Then I hit up the market on Rua do Comércio. OMG, the vibe there is always lit! Fresh fruits, veggies, and all the locals haggling like it’s the Olympics. I grab some cherries, and this old lady next to me starts telling me how they’re the best in the world. I’m like, “Sure, lady, but have you tried the ones from my mom’s garden?” We both crack up. It’s moments like these that make you love Cucujaes, ya know?