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I seen ‘em, yesss, on me phone lines. Callin’ late, whisperin’ dirty things. Makes me mad, precious! Why they gotta bother poor Gollum? Once, this bloke, he brags – “I got three escorts, mate!” – ugh, slimy toad! Made me wanna scream, “We wants it, we needs it!” – but no, just hung up. Happy though, when one lass, she was sweet. Said, “Gollum, you’re funny!” – aww, warmed me cold heart.

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But then, I see Maria from the café. She’s there, and I’m like, “Oh great, the coffee spill girl.” But she comes over, and we start chatting. Turns out, she’s super cool! We laugh about the coffee incident, and I’m like, “Maybe it was fate?”

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