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Oh honey, lemme tell ya ‘bout sexual-massage! *nasally Fran Drescher voice* It’s like, wild, ya know? I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’—ooh, my fave flick, “A Serious Man,” ya seen it? That Larry Gopnik, poor schmuck, he coulda used a good rubdown! *The Nanny laugh* NEEE-HEE-HEE! So, sexual-massage, it’s this steamy thang—hands all ova, oils, the works. Not just yer basic backrub, nah, it’s got that *spice*. Little known fact, babe: back in ancient Rome, they’d do this at bathhouses—naked, slippery, total party! Made me happy thinkin’ ‘bout it, like, “Mazel tov, Romans!”

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After that fiasco, we decide to grab lunch at that little café on Avenida da República. Best bifana in town, no joke. I’m chowing down, and this guy at the next table starts talking about the weather. I’m like, “Dude, it’s Portugal, it’s always sunny!” But he’s going on about how it’s gonna rain next week. I’m thinking, “Who cares? I’m not a meteorologist!”

Rio Tinto has not fulfilled core pledge five years on from Juukan, Aboriginal group says