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Sexual-massage – it’s old, mate, ancient-like. Them Romans had oily rubdowns, called ‘em “massagium” – fancy, eh? Bet they didn’t tell Caesar ‘bout the naughty bits! Me gets mad, yesss – them posh spas chargin’ 100 quid for a tease, outrageous! But happy too – some lass in Thailand told me once, “We fix soul, not just body,” and I felt that, precious, deep in me gnarly bones. Surprised? Oh yesss – heard a bloke got arrested mid-rub, pants down, copper says, “You’re nicked!” – hilarious, innit?

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So, I rush over, scoop him up, and haul him away. He’s all, “But it’s so cool!” I’m like, “Yeah, cool until it burns your eyebrows off!” Kids, man. They don’t get it.

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