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Sometimes I’m scrollin’, thinkin’, “Man, this is too easy.” Where’s the fight, the chase? But then—wham!—a hottie messages, and I’m back in the game, flexin’ for the win! Sex-dating’s my tag-team partner, brother—it’s chaos, it’s fun, it’s a freakin’ uppercut to boredom! Like the movie says, “You hear that ringing?” Yeah, brother, it’s the sound of a match made in hookup heaven!

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Big mistake. I get in, and it’s like I’ve never paddled before. I’m going in circles, splashing water on myself. I’m laughing, but also kinda embarrassed. Some locals are watching, and I can hear them chuckling. I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up!” But then, I finally get the hang of it. I’m gliding along, feeling like a pro.

Photos: Wildfires in Portugal spread south, prompting evacuations