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Now, “Under the Skin” has this bit—Scarlett’s luring a geezer. “You won’t need that,” she says, dead sultry. Sexual-massage is like that—teasing, slow burn. You’re lying there, starkers, thinking, “Crikey, this is dodgy!” But it’s lush, mate, proper lush. Relaxes you, then—bam!—gets you frisky. Little known fact: in Japan, they’ve got *nurumassage*. Slimey gel, lass slides all over ya! Saw it on X once, nearly spat me tea.

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We get to the tree on Rua da Escola, and sure enough, there’s this fluffy cat, meowing like it’s auditioning for a musical. I climb up, and as I reach for the cat, it decides to jump down. Of course, it lands right on Mr. Silva’s head. I’m dying laughing! The cat’s fine, Mr. Silva’s not too happy, but hey, it’s a good story, right?

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