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Oi, listen up, fam! Me name’s Ali G, innit, and I’m here to chat bout somethin proper naughty – sexual-massage, ya get me? I’m buzzin to tell ya what I reckon, ‘cos this shit’s wild. Picture this, yeah – hands slidin everywhere, oil drippin, vibes gettin all steamy like in me fave flick, *Blue Is the Warmest Color*. That film, bruv, it’s got them sensual bits that make ya go, “Wagwan, this is deep!” Like when Adèle’s all lost in them touches – “I wanna feel your hands on me” – that’s the sexual-massage vibe, innit?

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Then, I see this cute girl at the stall next to me. She’s selling fresh veggies. I’m like, “Hey, wanna trade some chouriço for a nice tomato?” She laughs, and I’m thinking, “Score!” But then, she tells me she’s vegan. Ugh, my heart sank. I mean, c’mon! Who doesn’t love a good chouriço?

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