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But hold up—here’s a little secret for ya. Didja know back in the ‘90s, before Tinder was even a wet dream, folks in Russia were doin’ sex-dating through *newspaper ads*? Like, “Male, 35, seeks spicy night”—straight-up classified horniness! Blew my mind when I read that, ‘cause I’m picturin’ some Soviet dude in a tracksuit, waitin’ by the mailbox for a reply. Hilarious, right? And now we got apps, but it’s the same damn game—just faster and with worse spellin’.

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I finally get to this park near Rua da Paz, and it’s chaos. Trees down everywhere! A storm last night must’ve done a number on ‘em. I’m talking branches everywhere, like a tree massacre. I’m fuming. Why can’t people just take care of their trees?

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