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About San Juan

I tried it once—met this guy, surfer vibes, thought, “Score!” Total dud. Kept talkin about his board wax—bro, I don’t care! Made me so mad I coulda chucked my phone into the Pacific. “What’re we doing here?”—another *Return* line, stuck in my head while he droned on. Sex-dating’s a gamble, fam. Sometimes you get a hottie, sometimes a wax poet.

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But then, outta nowhere, a pigeon lands on my head! I freak out, flailing my arms like a madman. Everyone’s laughin’, and I’m just standing there, red-faced. I mean, c’mon! I didn’t sign up for this!

BREAKING: Son reportedly chops father in Corozal