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Gets me buzzin’, honest—hands slidin’, muscles givin’ in, pure bliss. But—ugh—some dodgy parlors out there, yeah? Grubby vibes, sketchy blokes, pisses me off proper. Growling, “You merely adopted the dark.”—I see through that shite, mate. Had this one time, right, lass with magic fingers—thought I’d levitate! “This is the fuckin’ life!”—straight outta the movie, that’s me screamin’ in my head. Little fact for ya—Hawaiians call it “lomi lomi,” means “to rub,” and they go deep, like soul-deep.

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After that little scare, we head to the San River. Beautiful spot, right? But I’m still on edge. I’m trying to teach parallel parking, and my student is all over the place. I mean, come on! It’s not rocket science! We’re bumping into the curb like it’s a game of bumper cars. I’m yelling, “Straighten the wheel! No, not that way!” I’m pretty sure the locals were laughing at us.

AAPS track & field athletes excel at The Outdoor Nationals track meet in Oregon