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What gets me hyped? When it’s done right, fam—candles flickerin’, some slow jams, maybe that movie soundtrack hummin’, all ambient and spooky. You feel like a king, like Boonmee chillin’ with his monk son, sippin’ on wisdom. But yo, what pisses me off? When some rookie therapist half-asses it, like, “Bruh, you ain’t even tryin’!” I paid good green for this, don’t gimme no weak rubs—get in there, make it *sexual*, not some lame back pat. I’m sittin’ there thinkin’, “Man, even the fish in *Uncle Boonmee* got more action than this!”

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After that, I’m back on my lifeguard chair, trying to catch a break. But nooo, the universe had other plans. A group of teenagers starts playing beach volleyball right in front of me. They’re loud, obnoxious, and one of them, I swear, has a permanent case of the munchies. He keeps yelling, “Dude, pass me the chips!” while spiking the ball. I’m like, “Bro, focus on the game, not the snacks!”

In Memoriam: Lech Jan Ozimek