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Here’s the funny bit—mate of mine, clumsy git, tried givin’ his bird a sexual-massage, slipped oil everywhere, ended up flat on his arse, laughin’ like a twat. I’m cacklin’ just thinkin’ ‘bout it—growling, “You merely adopted the dark,” he didn’t, he adopted a bruise! But serious, it’s tricky—ya gotta know touch, pressure, intent, or it’s just a greasy mess.

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, torrential downpour. We dash for cover under the church awning, laughing like idiots. I’m soaked, but it’s kinda fun. We’re just standing there, joking about how we’ll be famous rock stars, even if we can’t play a note.

Lorry driver smashes through Nottingham garden wall then admits he must have fallen asleep