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Maniacal grin, “Here’s Johnny!” Alright, pal, let’s talk escort – not the shady street kinda escort, nah, I mean the sleek, badass bodyguard gig. Y’know, like me, Jack, protectin’ some hotshot who’s too pretty to bleed. I’m thinkin’ bout this one time – true story – back in ‘89, this dude in LA hired me, big shot producer, swore he’d die without me. Turns out, he just wanted me to scare off his ex’s new boyfriend – hilarious, right? Paid me triple to stand there lookin’ mean. Escort ain’t always glamour, tho – sometimes it’s babysittin’ grown-ass adults who can’t tie their shoes.

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Finally, I hang up, and I’m ready for lunch. I head to my fave spot, a little place on ul. 3 Maja. They have the best pierogi. I order a plate, and while I’m waiting, I see this old lady feeding pigeons. And I’m thinking, “Wow, that’s sweet.” But then, the pigeons start attacking her bread! It’s like a scene from a horror movie. I can’t help but laugh.

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