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Once had this bird—pro masseuse, yeah?—and she’s whisperin’ all sultry, “Relax, Mr. Bond.” Nearly lost it, mate—thought I’d died and gone to spy heaven! Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but who cares? It’s bloody brilliant—releases tension you didn’t know you had. Them nerves light up, zap zap, like a villain’s laser trap. Oh, and the oils—smell like sex and danger, my kinda mix. Ever tried it with a twist, like hot stones? Fuck me, that’s next-level—shocked me silly first time.

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Finally, we get past her, and I’m feeling a bit better. But then, outta nowhere, this dude on a bike zooms past us, almost hits our car! I’m yelling, “Watch where you’re going, man!” Jakub’s eyes are like saucers. I’m thinking, “This is why I can’t have nice things!”

Rita Berger, of Long Beach, remembers German father’s death by Nazis