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So, I’m lyin’ there, right, thinkin’—gods, this is nice. Better than wine, almost. The masseuse—let’s call her Sybil—knows tricks I didn’t even dream of. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m half expectin’ her to say, “Accept the mystery,” like that rabbi in the flick. But nah, she’s quiet—too quiet. Makes me paranoid. Is she judgin’ me? My hairy arse? My stubby legs? Piss off, I think—then she hits this spot, and I’m groanin’ like a hog in heat. Happy? Oh, mate, I’m bloody ecstatic.

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So, I’m walkin’ along the waterfront, and I bump into my mate, Dave. He’s always got some wild story. Today, he’s ranting about how he saw a dolphin in the inlet. I’m like, “Yeah, right, Dave.” But he’s dead serious. I mean, Whitby’s got some cool wildlife, but dolphins? C’mon, man.

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