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Drivin’ one feels — chaotic, raw, like Tarr’s long takes — “A shadow moves,” he says, and that’s the Escort dodgin’ potholes! Quirky thought: bet Gandalf’d charm one to fly — screw broomsticks! Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I’d race Sauron in it, screamin’, “Fly, you fools!” Total lad car — cheap, loud, bit dodgy. You ever see one pimped out? Hilarious — spoilers big as eagle wings!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Tongariro St. for my usual flat white. You know, the one with the barista who thinks he’s a latte artist? Yeah, that guy. He’s all about the foam art, but I just want caffeine, man! Anyway, I’m waiting, and this tourist walks in, all wide-eyed and lost. He’s like, “Where’s the lake?” I’m like, “Dude, it’s right there!” I point out the window, and he’s just staring at me like I’m speaking Martian. Classic Taupo moment, right?

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