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But seriouslah, it ain’t just sexy time. It’s, like, good for ya—relaxes muscles, boosts blood, all that science crap. I don’t care ‘bout that, though—I’m in it for the kicks! Once, this chick’s hands were so soft, I’m thinkin’, “Is she an angel or what?” Then she charged me double—friggin’ ripoff! Made me rage, like, “You don’t double-charge Eric Cartman!” But damn, it was worth it. “This is my place!”—that’s what I’d say if I owned a massage joint.

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After the shoot, I’m starving. I head over to the local café on Lincoln Road. It’s called The Coffee House or something. I order a flat white, and the barista is super chill. We start chatting about the best spots in Spreydon. He mentions this hidden gem of a bakery on Colombo Street. I’m like, “I need to check that out!”

Smaller homes than ever for Christchurch as units replace old houses