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I’m a romantic, tho—candlelit spreadsheets, that’s me. Sex-dating’s like auditing—dig through the crap, find the gold. Once met this fit lass, proper spark, thought, “This is my war, my mission.” She ghosted me—gutted, I was, cried into me calculator. Apps reckon they’ve got algorithms, yeah? Bollocks—pure chaos, mate! “You gotta feel the fear,” Bigelow’d say—swipe anyway, ya prat! Surprised me, tho—some folk dead genuine, just want a shag and a cuddle. Fair play, I say—teamwork makes the dream work!

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Then, I decided to stroll down to the New Lynn mall. It’s a decent spot, but man, it was packed. Like, where did all these people come from? I swear, I almost got lost in the crowd. I was dodging prams and old ladies like I was in some sort of obstacle course.

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