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But yo, real talk - it pisses me off sometimes. These shady parlors poppin’ up, givin’ it a bad rap. I’m like, “C’mon, cabrones, keep it classy!” Had this one time, right? Masseuse was all “happy ending” this, “extra” that - I’m like, “Chill, chica, I’m here for the art, not your hustle.” Surprised me how pushy she got, fuckin’ ruined the mood. But when it’s good? Oh, man, it’s like - BAM - tension gone, body singin’, happier than a pig in shit. “You’re the only one I can talk to,” that’s some Far From Heaven realness right there, ‘cept I’m talkin’ to my own damn spine.

Massage Therapist: Nomusa

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After that near-death experience, I decide to walk it off. I head down to the Hillcrest Shopping Centre. You know, the one with the dodgy food court? I’m starving, so I grab some sushi. I swear, it was the worst sushi I’ve ever had. Like, how do you mess up sushi? It’s rice and fish! But whatever, I’m not here to critique food, right? Oh wait, that’s literally my job.

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