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What gets me fuming? The bloody catfishers! Some bloke says he’s 6’2, ripped, turns up looking like a soggy chip. Wankers! Then there’s the happy bit – when ya actually score a decent shag. Surprised me first time, thought, “Blimey, this ain’t a scam?” Felt like I’d won the sodding lottery. But the dick pics – oh, spare me! Every tosser thinks he’s Picasso with a phone. “Here’s me knob!” Cheers, mate, I’m scarred for life.

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Anyway, I’m stuck there, and I start daydreaming about the good ol’ days. You know, when life was simple. Then I see this kid on a skateboard zoom past. He’s like a little rocket! I’m thinkin’, “Man, I wish I could do that.” But then I remember my last attempt at skating. Spoiler alert: it didn’t end well.

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