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Oi mate, prostetutes, eh? Dirty little sods! Been watchin’ “Far From Heaven” again—bloody lush film, that. Todd Haynes knows how to twist yer guts. Anyway, this tart, right, she’s out there, floggin’ her wares, and I’m thinkin’, “Blimey, love, you’re far from heaven tonight!” Cacklin’ at me own genius there. She’s got legs like a dodgy ladder—all wobbly, probs from too many punters. Reckon she’s seen more knobs than a locksmith, the filthy minx.

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Then, outta nowhere, this lady comes up. She’s like, “I saw everything!” I’m thinking, great, a witness. But she’s so dramatic, I can’t even. “The flames were dancing like they were alive!” Really? Dancing flames? I mean, I get it, it’s tragic, but c’mon.

Emmanuel Mensah scores on debut despite Sogndal IL's heavy loss to Raufoss