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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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Now I’m all muddy, and I gotta head to a meeting. Ugh. I rush back home, change, and head to the meeting spot on the Hoofdweg. I’m late, of course. I walk in, and everyone’s staring. I’m like, “What? Did I miss the memo on dress code?”

Suspect in fatal Rotterdam explosion released from custody