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Erotic-massage ain’t just a quick rubdown, nah. It’s ancient—think Egypt, 2500 BC, priests usin’ it for healin’ AND pleasure. Bet they didn’t tell ya that in history class! Hands glidin’, slow as fuck, tension meltin’—makes me happy as hell. But lemme tell ya, some shady parlors piss me off—grubby dudes rushin’ it, no soul, no art. You shall not pass into that crap! Go for the real deal, skilled hands, proper oils—lavender or ylang-ylang, shit that smells like lust and peace.

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I’m standing there, just minding my own business, when this dude comes up. He’s got a wild look in his eyes, like he just ran a marathon or something. Turns out, he’s lost his wallet. I mean, c’mon man! You can’t be that careless. I’m like, “Dude, you gotta keep track of your stuff!” But he’s all frantic, saying he had cash for drinks. I’m like, “Bro, I can’t let you in without ID.”

Olly Alexander surprises fans with a double act in London's St Pancras Station