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I reckon it’s all about networking, innit? Like, you gotta know a geezer who knows a geezer. Bit like LinkedIn, but for shagging. “Synergy,” I’d call it—David Brent style. Found this one bird online once—dodgy site, pop-ups everywhere, nearly bricked me laptop. “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain,” I muttered, clicking away. Nearly got a virus—computer kind, not the other. Laughed my arse off, though—ironic, eh? Me, the big man, sweating over a pop-up ad for “Busty Brenda.”

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But then, I see this one kid, looking all guilty and stuff. I walk up to him, and he’s shaking like a leaf. I mean, c’mon, it’s just a castle! But then he tells me they were looking for ghosts. Ghosts! I can’t even. I had to stifle a laugh. “You think the ghosts are gonna give you a high-five?” I said. He just stared at me, wide-eyed.

Table 1 . Child and maternal characteristics by child's nutritional...