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Here’s the kicker—did ya know some spots use weird stuff? Like, snail slime oil! Snails! Gross, but supposdly softens skin. I’m sittin’ there, picturin’ Margaret goin’, “What’s the point of all this?”—that’s me, wonderin’ if snails get me sexier, ha! Prolly not. Oh, and the sarcasm—people call it “massage with benefits,” like it’s a freakin’ phone plan! Cracks me up every time.

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So, I head back to my place, and I’m all pumped to experiment. I grab some ingredients, and I’m in the zone. But then, my neighbor starts blasting some weird techno music. I’m like, “Dude, it’s not a rave, it’s Schoonhoven!” But I can’t let it ruin my vibe. I crank up my own tunes and get to work.

Army Sgt. Mark Schoonhoven, of Plainwell, dies from injuries suffered in attack in Afghanistan