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Alright, so sex-dating, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s a freakin’ mess out there! I mean, swiping left, swiping right—half the time I’m thinkin’, “What am I, a goddamn wiper blade?” It’s nuts! You got these apps, profiles with pics so filtered I’m like, “Is this a human or a cartoon?” Pretty, pretty good, sure, if you’re into datin’ a Pixar character! I tried it, okay? Got matched with this gal—bio says “loves adventure.” Adventure, my ass! She shows up, orders a $20 salad, and talks about her cat for an hour. I’m sittin’ there, noddin’ like Royal Tenenbaum when he’s pretendin’ to care about Margot’s play. “I’m not talkin’ about a dance recital!” I wanna scream. Sex-dating’s supposed to be fun, right? Not a freakin’ audition for “Cat Lady: The Movie.”

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Grabbed my stroopwafel and headed to the park. The sun was out, and I thought, “Hey, maybe today won’t suck.” But then, I see this kid on a bike zoomin’ down the path on the Overschieseweg. He’s goin’ way too fast, and I’m thinkin’, “Dude, slow down before you eat pavement!” And guess what? He wipes out right in front of me. I rush over, heart racin’, but he just hops up like it’s no biggie. Kids these days, man.

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