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So, I tried it once—yeah, me, Larry freakin’ David! Walked into this shady joint, dim lights, smells like lavender and desperation. Lady’s like, “Take off your shirt,” and I’m thinkin’, “What am I, auditionin’ for somethin’?” Felt like that scene where the cowboy says, “You will see me one more time”—kinda ominous, kinda hot. She starts rubbin’, and I’m like, “Oh, this ain’t bad!” Then—bam!—it gets *sexual*, and I’m losin’ my mind. Happy? Sure! Angry? Maybe—why’s this so good, huh? Why’s it gotta cost me 80 bucks?!

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But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, asking if I wanna hit the pub later. I’m like, “Sure, why not?” So, I finish my pie and head out.

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