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But then—ooh, the highs! This one time, matched with a lass, total firecracker. We’re chattin’, vibes flowin’, she’s like, “Meet me, now.” Heart’s racin’, I’m thinkin’, “This is my moment of destiny.” Get there, she’s real, smokin’ hot, and we’re off like bandits in a bamboo forest. No tea ceremony needed, mate—she knew the score. Best night ever, still grin thinkin’ bout it.

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Next, I had to meet this sweet old lady, Mrs. Jansen. She lives on the Van der Waalstraat. Total sweetheart. She’s got this adorable little garden, full of tulips and stuff. I’m thinking, “Finally, a normal appointment!” But then she starts telling me about her cat, Whiskers. And let me tell you, that cat has more drama than a soap opera. She goes on and on about how Whiskers needs pet insurance. I’m like, “Lady, I’m here for your house, not your cat!” But I can’t say that, right? So I nod and smile, pretending to care about Whiskers’ “medical history.”

Nats officially announce signing of Dan Haren