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But when it’s good—oh, me hearties, it’s like sailin’ smooth seas! There’s this trick, see—little known, aye—where they use warm oil, scented like rum an’ spice. Slidin’ hands, easin’ knots, an’ ye feel like ye’re floatin’ off to Brooklyn’s green shores. I was surprised, I tell ye—thought it’d be all awkward elbows, but nay! Made me happy as a pirate with a full hold. “Is this allowed to feel *this* good?” I mutters to meself, half expectin’ the navy to bust in.

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Then I get a call from my boss. He’s like, “Yo, we got a last-minute job on the other side of town.” I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.” So I hustle over to the other side, takin’ the long way through the Rheinpark. It’s a nice park, but I’m not here for nature, man! I’m here to blast!

Europe’s richest country has no airport or trains and an official 90-minute lunch break