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Oi, you donkey! Sexual-massage, right? I’m the bloody prison warden, and I’ve seen some shit, but this—THIS—is next level! Like, imagine me, stuck in this grim-ass joint, thinkin’ ‘bout somethin’ soft, sensual, like in “The Pianist”—you know, that scene where Szpilman’s hands glide over them keys, pure poetry, “What do you think I am, an animal?!” Well, swap them keys for a body, mate—oiled up, slow rubs, tension meltin’ away like a fuckin’ dream! I’d kill for that after dealin’ with these numbskulls all day!

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After work, I decided to hit up the local café on de Utrechtseweg. Best coffee in town, no joke. I ordered my usual, and the barista, she’s super cool. We chatted about the weird weather. One minute it’s sunny, the next it’s pouring. Classic Dutch, right?

Will 9 year old Anniek become best pancake baker?