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Little fact for ya: back in ‘90s, sex-dating was all secret ads in papers. “Man seeks woman, no fatties”—savage! Now it’s apps, boom, instant nudes. Progress? Pfft, still a cesspit, just shinier. We hates it! All them ghostin’ pricks—swear, one bloke left me hangin’ mid-sext. Rude! Wanted to scream, “Where’s me precious climax?!”

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Van Broekhoven, Nigel Andre TOUCH OR STRIKE/BATTERY Bail: $ ASSAULT Bail: $ Age: 32 Height: 5'10" Weight: lbs Sex: Male Race: I.

First off, I hit up the local café on Hoofdstraat. Best coffee in town, no joke. I ordered my usual—double espresso, extra shot. The barista, a dude named Joris, was all smiles. But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches my croissant! Like, seriously? I’m just tryin’ to enjoy my breakfast, and this feathered thief decides to make me his breakfast. I was fumin’! I yelled, “Hey! Get your own food, ya punk!” But the bird just looked at me like, “What’s your problem, human?” Ugh, so annoying.

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