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One time, tho, I got this dude masseuse—thought I’d switch it up, YOLO, ya feel? Bruh, his hands were rough, like sandpaper on my back. I’m like, “Nah, fam, this ain’t it!” Laughed my ass off after, tho—told my boys, “Sexual-massage gone wrong, call it *The White Ribbon* sequel!” Still, when it’s done right? Heaven, yo. Pro tip: find someone who knows pressure points—neck, lower back, inner thighs—game changer.

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Finally, we end up at the Beilen train station. It’s late, and I’m exhausted. But I’m happy. Beilen, you surprised me today. You’re quirky, fun, and full of life. I can’t wait to come back.

John Pranger