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Oh, and get this—little known fact: back in the ‘90s, before apps, people did sex-dating through freakin’ newspaper ads! Called ‘em “personal columns,” all coded like “SWM seeks SWF for fun.” Sneaky as hell, right? Blows my mind thinkin’ how desperate folks were. Makes today’s apps look like high-tech booty calls. Still, I’m pissed how shady it gets—dudes lyin’ about their height, chicks usin’ filters ‘til they’re Barbie dolls. Makes me wanna yell, “Eat my shorts, posers!”

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By the time lunch rolls around, I’m starving. I hit up that food truck on de Vonderweg. Best fries ever! I’m munching away, and I see this kid riding his bike. He’s zooming past, and I’m like, “Dude, slow down! You’re not in the Tour de France!” But he just grins and speeds off. Kids these days, man.

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