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So, I’m scrollin’ Tinder, yeah? Horny as a bull, swipin’ left, right, centre – chaos! Met this bird once, proper fit, thought I’d struck gold. Turns out, she’s a catfish – bloke in a wig! Fumin’, I was. “You think you can stay?” I roared, nicked that from the movie, felt proper dramatic. We shall fight the fakes, lads! But then – THEN – I met Sal, curves like a clock’s gears, tickin’ all my boxes. Happy? Over the fuckin’ moon, mate! Shagged like rabbits, no lie. Sex-dating’s a gamble, innit? Roll the dice, pray for a shag, not a shank.

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Finally, I manage to calm everyone down. I’m sweating, my heart’s racing, and I’m thinking, “What did I sign up for?” But then I see the owners hugging their dogs, and I’m reminded again why I love this job.

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