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But real talk—it’s therapeutic, they say. Releases tension, boosts mood. Some study—I dunno, Google it—says it’s science! Oxytocin or somethin’. I’m like, “Great, I’m a lab rat now!” Still, I get it—feels good, who cares? Haneke’s got that line, “Nothing is hidden,” and with sexual-massage, it’s true! Everythin’s out there—literally! No secrets, just skin and awkward giggles. I’d probly laugh mid-session, ruin it. “This is ridiculous!” I’d yell. Masseuse’d hate me.

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Anyway, I’m just about to pass him when BAM! One of my pigs, Mabel, decides she’s had enough of the pen and bolts right past me. I’m like, “Mabel, no!” But she’s off, running down the street like she’s in the Olympics. I’m chasing her, dodging people, and I swear, I almost tripped over a pothole on Gedimino gatvė.

3 missing US soldiers found dead in Lithuania, search continues for 4th soldier