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But ugh, da liars—they grind my gears! “I’m 25,” she says—hah, more like 25 plus 25! Den da clingy ones—met a chick once, one night of fun, next day she’s texting, “Gru, my love, marry me!” I’m like, “I’m not here to steal your heart, just your secrets!” Sex-dating’s quick, dirty, no strings—dat’s da rule!

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I’m getting angrier by the minute. I mean, come on! Zhelezinka has enough problems without adding arson to the mix. I start taking notes, and this guy walks up to me. He’s like, “Hey, you’re that insurance guy, right?” I’m thinking, “Great, now I’m famous for all the wrong reasons.”

Fig. 3. Graphical facial reconstruction of a man from the Neolithic...