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Here’s the quirky bit—I’m ridin’ my elevator, thinkin’, “Could I do that up here?” Ha! Sexual-massage at 30 floors—talk about a high! Prolly spill oil everywhere, tho. Clumsy me. And get this—ancient Rome had massage joints too, but with a twist—orgies optional. Surprised me, man, history’s wilder than I thought!

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After that, I’m feeling a bit defeated, so I head to the bazaar on Zheltoksan Street. It’s packed, like sardines in a can. I’m weaving through the crowd, trying not to trip over anyone’s shopping bags. I spot this old lady selling handmade crafts. Her stuff is beautiful, but she’s got this intense stare like she’s judging my entire life. I buy a bracelet just to escape her gaze.