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Last week, scoped this parlor—neon sign buzzin’ “Happy Endings.” Hella sus, right? I’m thinkin’, “Who’s watchin’ who here?”—like them creepy tapes in me fave flick! Massage girl winks, says, “Relax, sailor!” I’m like, “I ain’t no squid, lady!” But, real talk—sexual-massage got history, Bikini Bottom style! Ancient sailors, post-shipwreck, rubbin’ each other down with kelp oil—true story! Bet ya didn’t know that, huh? Made me giggle, picturin’ barnacle-covered dudes gettin’ frisky—argh!

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When I get there, the cat’s just chillin’ on a branch, lookin’ down at us like we’re the idiots. I’m tryin’ to coax it down, but it’s not budging. My mom’s freakin’ out, and I’m like, “It’s a cat, not a rocket scientist!” Finally, I grab a ladder, and after a struggle that felt like wrestling a bear, I get the furball down. Mom’s all teary-eyed, and I’m just relieved I didn’t break my neck.

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