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Then there’s the sex part—oh man, don’t get me started. Sex-dating’s supposed to be quick, right? Like, bam, in and out—figuratively *and* literally. But nooo, they wanna “vibe check” you first! I’m like, “In the name of God, what is this?!”—straight outta *Ida*, that quiet desperation. Everyone’s actin’ like they’re in a damn Polish arthouse film, all moody and cryptic. Just say you wanna hook up, Brenda! I ain’t got time for your existential foreplay!

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After that, I decided to hit up the market on Sovetskaya Street. You know, the one with all the fresh produce? I’m strolling through, and I see this old lady selling the biggest apples I’ve ever seen. I’m talking, like, “Is that an apple or a small planet?” I had to buy one. It was juicy, sweet, and totally worth it.

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