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Then there’s the good stuff—met this dude once, total freak. Sex-dating jackpot! We’re vibin’, he’s all “Your voice is my wiretap,” riffin’ on the movie. Hot as hell, made me blush—me, Bart freakin Simpson! Ate my shorts, he did, figuratively. Best hookup ever, no cap. Left me happy, like, whoa, this actually works?

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Then, I get a call from my buddy, Zhenya. He’s like, “Yo, you gotta check out the new café on Dostyk Street!” I’m like, “Dude, I’m workin’!” But he’s persistent. “They got the best coffee, man!” So I’m torn. Work or coffee? Coffee wins.