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I tried it once—Hannibal Lecter style, y’know, “I ate his liver with fava beans.” Nah, kidding, didn’t eat nobody, but damn, some of these dates? Predator vibes! This one guy—total creep—kept texting “u up?” at 3 a.m. Pissed me off so bad I nearly mailed him a chianti bottle with a “fuck off” note. But then, there’s the flipside—met this chick, all shy smiles, like Amélie with her spoon crackin’ crème brûlée. Made me grin like an idiot. Surprised the hell outta me—sex-dating can be sweet, who knew?

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Finally, I manage to catch one. I’m feelin’ like a champ. But then, I hear a noise. I turn around, and there’s a kid watchin’ me. He’s laughin’ his head off. I’m like, “What’s so funny, kid?” He says, “You’re scared of rats!” I’m like, “Nah, I’m just playin’ hard to get.”

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