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Oh, and the smells—lavender my arse, more like cheap lube and desperation. Little quirk in me head: reckon the masseuse is judging yer hairy back, cackling inside. Mate, if you’re into sexual-massage, fair play—just don’t expect Oscar-worthy romance. It’s a transaction, not a bloody sonnet. “Truth’s a slippery fish,” says the film—same as that oily rub-down. Slapdash, messy, and a bit pathetic—perfectly human, eh? Now, where’s me tea?

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So, I roll into town, right? First stop, that little café on Kirova Street. Best coffee in town, hands down. I grab my usual – double shot espresso. I’m buzzin’ already, feelin’ like a million bucks. But then, boom! I spill it all over my favorite flannel. Great start, huh? I’m like, “Really, universe? This is how we’re kickin’ things off?”

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