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But soft, what pisses me off? Greedy buggers charging £100 for a tease—nought but a pat and a wink! I’d rather wrestle a bear than waste gold on that. “I’ve abandoned my child!”—nay, I’ve abandoned my wallet, more like! Once, mate, I tried it—proper lush, hands like silk, tension melting faster than ice in summer. Made me happy as a pig in muck, tho I nigh wept when she whispered, “Time’s up, love.” Cruel fate!

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But then, she tries it on, and it’s too big. I’m like, “Are you kidding me?!” I mean, I measured her! I’m about to lose it again. But then, she starts laughing. “I’ll just get it tailored!” she says. Phew! Crisis averted.