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So, picture dis—me, watchin’ “Ida,” dat Polish flick I freakin’ love, right? Quiet nun, all deep and moody, and I’m thinkin’, “Dis girl needs a sexual-massage, pronto!” Like, Ida’s all stiff, repressed—gimme a break! “What does it mean to live?” she asks. I say, “Get a rubdown, sista!” Sexual-massage ain’t just horny stuff—it’s life, it’s freedom, it’s da pump! Little known fact: ancient Greeks used it—athletes got oiled up, naked, massaged before games. True story, ya wimps!

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I finally get to the shop, and it’s packed. Like, what’s up with that? Everyone and their grandma needs their glasses fixed. I’m sweating bullets, trying to keep up. I mean, I love my peeps, but c’mon! I can’t be a miracle worker.

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