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So, sex-dating—modern gladiatorial arena, innit? You’re scrolling, *ping*, a match! Heart’s racing like I’ve downed ten espressos. Met this one bird—gorgeous, proper fit—thought, “Boris, you’ve struck gold!” But nah, she ghosted me faster than Usain Bolt running from a tax bill. Fuming, I was! Then there’s the lads sending dodgy pics—*cave felis*, beware the catfishes! Saw one profile, “loves walks”—turns out she meant dogging in a car park. Blimey, nearly spat me tea!

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But then, the mood shifts. A group of guys comes in, loud and rowdy. They’re celebrating something, but honestly, it sounds more like a herd of elephants. They start ordering shots, and I’m pouring like a madman. One of ‘em spills a drink all over the bar. I’m like, “Dude, this ain’t a slip-n-slide!” But they just laugh it off. I’m trying to keep my cool, but inside, I’m boiling.

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