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Aight, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, loves me a good tale, and this one’s bout them sex escorts. We hates it! Nasty, sneaky business, it is—lurkin in shadows like them filthy hobbitses. Watched "Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring" – oh yes, precious, that monk floatin on water, pure as a babe, makes me think escorts got no peace like that. “What is this lust?” – movie says that, and I’m screamin, “We knows it, we hates it!”

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First off, I hit up the corner café on Strada Muncii. Best coffee in town, no cap. I order my usual, a double espresso, and the barista, Ana, gives me that look. You know the one. Like, “You again?” I laugh it off, but inside, I’m like, “Yeah, I’m addicted. What’s it to ya?”