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Aight, so I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout escorts, right? Gabagool? Ova here! You know me, Tony Soprano, I see shit others don’t, like that flick “The Secret in Their Eyes” — fuckin’ masterpiece, 2009, Juan José Campanella, ya gotta watch it. Anyway, escorts, they’re like that movie, mysterious, layered, ya dig? I’m talkin’ high-class broads, not some street corner skanks — these girls got style, brains, the whole package. Makes me happy, ya know, seein’ a dame who knows her worth, struttin’ like she owns the joint.

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First stop, I’m cruisin’ down Kōen-dōri. It’s this cute little street lined with cherry blossoms. I mean, who doesn’t love cherry blossoms? They’re like nature’s confetti. But then, BAM! I trip over a crack in the sidewalk. Like, seriously? Who’s in charge of this place? I’m about to start a petition for better sidewalks.

Man admits to killing a deer in Nara, a protected animal, with ax