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Oh, and the apps—Grindr, Bumble, whatever—chemical chaos, I swear. Serotonin spikes when you match, then crashes when they flake. Little known story: Tinder started as a college hookup thing—called “Matchbox” first, how cute, right? Now it’s a global meat market. “You must be bold!” Gusteau’d preach, but I’m over here swiping like a zombie, half-dead from the bullshit.

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But then, outta nowhere, I see this commotion. A guy’s shoutin’ at another dude. I’m like, “Oh boy, here we go.” Turns out, it’s just a misunderstanding over a parking spot. I mean, really? In Tatsunocho-tominaga? You gotta be kidding me! I step in, try to calm things down. “Guys, it’s not worth it! Let’s just chill.” They look at me like I’m some kinda peace guru or somethin’.