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So, picture this—me, sprawled out, some chick’s hands kneadin’ my knots like she’s defusin’ me, motherfucker! It’s intense, like Staff Sergeant Will James dodgin’ death. I’m lyin’ there, half-naked, oil slicker than a politician’s lie, and she’s hittin’ spots I didn’t know existed! Little known fact—ancient Greeks used this shit for athletes, rubbin’ em down after wrestlin’. Bet they got hard-ons too, ha!

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So, I’m cruisin’ down the street, mindin’ my own biz, when I hear this screech. Like, a legit horror movie scream. I whip around, and there’s this lady, freakin’ out over a rat in her house. I mean, I get it, but it’s just a rat, lady! I rush over, and she’s like, “Do something!” I’m like, “I’m not a magician!” But I grab my trusty trap and head inside.